Let It All Go!

Here I am, approaching two years in my new home in the Sierra Foothills, and I’m realizing that my transformation is far from over! So much of my old life has fallen away in the past several months, and I suspect there’s more to come.

As I look back and reflect, I realize that my move from the Bay Area was just the prelude to an enormous, total life-transformation.

In August of last year, my executive coaching practice evaporated. Seriously. In less that 30 days, all but a tiny portion of my client work ended, and there was no new work anywhere in site! The impact of that loss has been huge. My business’s primary source of income dried up in a matter of weeks, forcing me to be very discerning about my how to utilize the very few dollars that still came in.

On January 31st my long-time assistant Maegan gave notice. I was devastated. I knew it was coming because she told me months earlier she wanted to shift her business to different things than what I needed. She continued on for several months out of loyalty to our friendship and my business. I totally understood her reason for leaving, and knew it was time for her to move on. Even though she completely prepared me to take over all of her responsibilities, her loss hit me very deeply. I cried a lot in February.

March was crazy for me as it was not only my first month without Maegan, it was also the month before our Spiritual Guidance gathering in Assisi, Italy. My job was to pull together all of the conference materials, assemble into folders, and ship everything to Italy before the 125 members of our community arrived for our 4-days together. That on top of my speaking commitments, Human Design readings, private client coaching sessions and the administrative work required to run my business kept me crazy busy. March disappeared in a flash.

By the time I left for Italy, I was exhausted, sad and unsure of my future. I was now pulling money out of my IRA for my living expenses since all my business could do was cover its operating expenses. All that kept me going was the belief that my soul had a plan, and that whatever was unfolding would in the end create a new, deeply satisfying life. Little did I know what was coming!

JerryTwo days after arriving in Assisi, I received an email that sent my heart into my throat. My beloved cat Jerry had a mysterious episode that after much testing, the veterinarian concluded that Jerry had a terminal incurable illness, and there was nothing to do but to help him be comfortable as he made his departure. I couldn’t believe it. It seemed surreal being in such a glorious place as Italy with my wonderful spiritual guidance community while back home my cat was dying. I felt helpless. I wrestled with flying home early to be with him, but the ordeal required to change my travel felt massively overwhelming. I prayed for guidance. It kept coming back stay in Italy. Enjoy your time here. Everything will be okay.

My time in Italy was magnificent! My beloved teacher and dear friends listened to my story about the decimation of my business, Maegan’s departure, my financial struggles, and my cat’s terminal illness. Over and over again they affirmed my value and the loving healing presence that I am. They assured me what my soul already knows—all is unfolding as it should and although it is a very difficult period, all will be okay.

I returned home committed to live my life in a radically different way. With Jerry’s illness, I knew my priorities had to change. His comfort and support for the last few weeks of his life were paramount. Everything else came after. I cancelled everything that was not essential and restructured my days so they were spacious, ensuring plenty of time to be with him.

As I made space in my life to be present for him, I realized woman floatingI could hear my soul more clearly. In meditation, on my trail runs and at night before I fell asleep, I kept seeing an image of myself peacefully floating on a lake. I kept hearing “just let it all go!” Over and over the image and the words kept creeping into my awareness. I listened.

I stopped “doing.” I started tuning into and deepening my learning about my own Human Design. It was time to let go at a deeper level to live my soul’s truth. I began deconstructing what I have been conditioned to believe is successful—to let it all go and see what emerges.

It has been incredibly scary to witness so much falling away. My inner critic wants to judge that I’m a failure by losing my corporate practice and having to live off my retirement. The judgment goes on and on, but I keep coming back to listen to my heart—where my soul speaks to me.

I truly don’t know where my life will lead, but I trust that my soul knows the way. As sad as I am about Jerry’s imminent departure, I am deeply grateful for the wisdom he is teaching me about how to live in the present and trust that Life has a plan.

If you struggle with hearing your soul’s calling or know that you are not living the life you deeply desire, please reach out and schedule a time for us to talk. I would be honored to listen to your story and do what I can support you living a soul-directed life every day! I’m learning every day what that really means and how incredibly hard it can be! You can use this link to schedule a time with me. I look forward to speaking with you!